Chinese Herbalist

“Are you on steroids?”

“Yes…”

“I can tell, cause you’re fat.”

Old Chinese doctors don’t beat around the bush. No offence was taken, because he is not the first Chinese specialist that has matter-of-factly pointed the obvious out. Then he adds, "I will put something in your medication to help you lose the weight. Steroids only make you filled with water, and puffy. All you need to do it pee it all out." 

How much peeing will one need to do?

So, the past month or so my skin has been an emotional and physical roller coaster, more down hills than up. I was feeling like I was falling back into what I had gone through about 10 years ago. Broken skin, sleepless nights, itch where it doesn’t stop and not to mention having the white, sticky blood leaking from my face and around my ears. And nothing could be done to stop it.

It’s almost like a landmine, you touch one area and you’re done for. The itch is just never ending.

Even though Chinese doctors are not instant with results and can take a long process for any signs of effect – I decided I wanted to give this another shot. I want to work off those steroids.

What I learnt from the doctor, my body is in the hot blood category meaning that I need to eat cooler foods. My immune system is completely out of whack and we need to bring that back into normality.

And something I always knew, eczema is not curable. However, we can use these medications to help maintain it and keep it at bay.

But the following week, I remembered I had not told the doctor something. My skin may feel hot when you touch it but I feel cold inside. I can shiver like crazy, and when in the sun I will get shocks of shiver running down my spine to the point that it hurts. This is when I learn that, my body is both hot and cold. This is when the doctor shakes his head and tells me that my blood circulation is simply put bad.

I see the doctor once a week, and I am oh-so-lucky to drink herbs (it is leaves, bark, and dried up insects). This changes weekly, according to see what works and what doesn’t. As my body will change throughout this course, I am told that sometimes my stomach may not be able to take the medications and can be sore to the point of getting the runs. And if this happens, stop taking the medication. I have been told this many times, and never experienced it. Until this week.

The bitter taste is nothing you would imagine or can be compared to anything. I mean, it really is just a bowl of water brewed with barks and what not, it's not something you usually eat... However, perhaps with age it isn’t as bad as I remember when drinking as a child. You do get used to the weird, bitter and unbearable taste. It lingers, water does not wash the taste away.

That is why you get these little hawk flakes with your medication. These remind me of childhood because these used to be treats we got as children. The taste is strong enough to help subside that bitter foul medicine.

Even though I have been drinking these medications for about a month now, I do still get my ups and downs. It does not guarantee you to instantly be healed but I am willing to use the time to see how it will go in the long run.

Whatever you do, you need a positive attitude and to believe in it.

Driving out the darkness

Mood: Satisfied

How fast is this year passing us by? It’s already February, where did January go? So, just before Christmas I started to have this thing with candles.

And by pure coincidence, over Christmas I received two candles as gifts and it sent me over to the moon and back.

Each time I light my candle; I watch the wick light up then the flame grow. I spare myself a few extra seconds to take in the quick aroma hitting my senses and the flickering flame.

It is then I am reminded of a saying from Martin Luther King Jr. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that”. I don’t even know why it comes to mind when lighting my candle has nothing to do with giving me light…

So, why I bring up candles is because when I want to know if anyone else out there has a theory or believes that candles has some sort of effect on your skin or eczema? As my skin has still been going on roller coasters, and my mother suggested that my skin could have been dry due to lighting candles … ?

- - -

So, from last week – I said I was going to start on the 30-day squat challenge. I won’t keep his too long by updating my everyday’s workout session. But I am so proud to say that I have actually kept up with it! I have not skipped a day thus far!! Today is now my 7^th day!

Apart from being so proud of myself (if I must say so myself), my legs aren’t in cripple state, and I can still walk. Walking up the stairs does feel tiring, but hey, it’s a good sign…

I admit, by the end – my squats may not be as low as when I first start … opps?

No pain, no gain …

Starting again ...

Mood: Excited

It has been a year since I have abandoned this little blog, thus for the New Year I have decided that I shall revive this as I also hope to embark further on my own inner journey.

The journeys I hope to include here for the year would concern my process of losing the weight I had gained from my many years of cortisone and to also hope that the eating would help “detox” my inner body, hoping to see the changes it could do to my skin.

Let’s see what else I may come across in the year in which I may also try to see how it would change me, for the better.

That shall be it for now!

New Years resolutions never seem to last longer than 3 months, let’s hope I have better determination and motivation to keep me going…

Alternatives ...

24 May 2012

Mood: Comfortable

Went back to see my Dermatologist yesterday and was advised that I can decrease my cortisone intake, which I’m glad. But not decreasing it enough – maybe because I feel so much more energetic again that I feel like I don’t need to have anymore.

At the same time, as much as I say that – I know that I have to go with the medical advice more than my own thoughts.

So, I knew the cortisone does make me gain weight but I never really knew “how”. It was just based on the observation through time that it was noticed that weight was gaining upon me. It was actually not even something I realised was from the medication itself, more that we just thought I had started eating more.  But getting back on this, I thought it would start absorbing all the foods I eat which made me fear for everything I ate.

Little did I know, it could be controlled – to an extent. The medication actually makes me feel very peckish, makes me feel like I constantly want to eat. Makes me want to eat more food, the food I just eat will never satisfy me – I just long for the food I cant really obtain. I’m not much of a sweet tooth girl, but lately I’m constantly craving for something sweet.

Ice cream is always in the freezer, but I never have the urge to go get one. But I do now, it’s there – it’s sweet. I want it. It’s tough, training the mind to be stronger than the want pushing. It’s hard for me to manipulate a third person, let alone myself.

So, after talking to people about how I’m feeling with taking these medications they all came up with the one advice, which I have taken on. Replace with a healthier alternative.

Mum acts fast, after spending an afternoon with her and complaining (as a normal girl would do) about being on this medication and how it’s making me feel the need to eat more, she acted immediately. I came home from work today, opened the freezer simply because the need to open it was there whether I really wanted anything from it was irrelevant. Frozen yoghurt was already sitting in there waiting for me.

When parents are expecting, all they ever wish for is for their newborn to be healthy. That is all. Again, like I said eczema is nothing – but I do give it to my family to have taken this journey with me. It has not been emotionally easy, and for a few years physically for me. To wake up and feel so much broken torn up skin that I was bed ridden.

Every time I look at my mum and aunties, I start to ponder – if I’m ever half of what they are when I’m a mother, I’ll be lucky or is it my children?

Layers ...

20 May 2012

Mood: Unknown

How fast time flies by, it’s been a week since I did not want to face myself in the mirror or even have any part of myself exposed.  The way my skin was made me want to simply crawl into a hole and simply just stay there until the end of time. Even when I think about it now, I don’t know if I wanted to hide from myself or to hide myself so people wont have to see me.

I felt like a monster. It was as if, when people saw me they would turn the other way, I guess I feared that everyone that saw me would just turn away. But I really shouldn’t have even had that ounce of thought in me, to even give myself the moment of doubt in the people who loved me.

There is no way words can really explain what it was like, just that it was flakey – and underneath the dead skin that was waiting to fall off was another waiting. It was like a never-ending process of shedding skin. It felt like there were layers and layers of thick skin around me, to the extent it was like I could not feel anything.

Now, a week later it’s recovering. It may not be shedding as much as it was last week but I can have the sense of touch again. With new skin now, I guess I’m glad that it seems the upcoming week seems to not be too sunny, as I cannot have anything exposed to the sun.

I have taken on the advice from my Doctor to not put any cream on, though it is hard when you step out of the shower or wake up. That horrid feeling of your skin being so tight that it is limiting you from stretching – but this seems to be working slowly. It’s just another process I need to pass and then I’ll be another step closer to having better skin.

The only thing that does get me worried is, what if the dryness does not go away considering winter is coming up and it is when we are all most in need to maintain moisturised.  I guess I’ll ask him the question on Wednesday when I go back in for another check up.

My mind is in a better place this week. I felt like a walking dead corpse last week, simply just waking and getting out of bed because I had to. Then at every opportunity I got, my eyes just had to close in hopes to recharge. My hands holding tight to stop the shakes, even my speciality of talking seemed to be of much effort. It sounds like an exaggeration, but it was seriously as if I had to breathe out my words – the effort and strength it took to simply talk.

This week, I see people and I’m simply feeling much more energised. I feel like myself again.

But at night, I get the sense of frustration, of confusion, of uncertainty. There is a huge pain in my chest, it’s like it tightens and just makes me feel frustrated. I don’t know how to properly explain it, and I don’t know what I’m so frustrated about. The tugging feeling in the chest comes and goes, but my mind and body may have simply been in no state of thought. I’m just confused why I can be frustrated when I have nothing that is even bothering me.

Then I’ll get little twitching feelings, as if there are little ants biting me from within. That I’m guessing is usually because my skin is dry and it’s just waiting for me to add cream to loosen up the tight feeling.

My layers are shedding, another past leaving me piece by piece. Layer by layer.

A past in which I will not forget, but glad it’s gone. A new part of me being created as each day passes me by.

Learning new things about myself every day, I am excited.

Stop, step back, and observe ...

16 May 2012

Mood: Content

During the weekend, many battles were occurring such as my body trying to fight the pain, the itch and agony. My insides trying to fight to keep me warm, as I could not stop shivering despite not feeling cold. But the main battle that may have been affecting it all; was the battle of the mind.

Lots of questions, lots of thoughts, and the pros and cons. What to do? What to try? What is right? What will be wrong? And the main one, which leads to all, the one thing we all ask ourselves – WHAT IF …

I had decided on Monday that I will go back to see my dermatologist much to my dislike. I had not wanted to go back, not because it meant defeat against my eczema but more so because I know what would be prescribed.

So, today was the day I took a step back. Back into my past and saw Dr C in hopes to get an opinion on his thoughts. Yes, it is known for eczema to return – as I had researched and found, it never leaves you it just needs to be controlled. Which leads me to another point, later.

Dr C no doubt had prescribed me with cortisone, but with an open mind – I will accept this. At least this will once again hold my skin back at bay and whatever does come – I will fight that when it happens. Be it to be gaining weight again or having the side effects that will happen within my body. I will solve one thing at a time.

Without this relapse of intense pain, I would not have realized that maybe my “good years” was a time I should have actually seeked more professional help. In life, we do need to take a step back, breathe and observe what is ahead of us. Thankfully for this, I took my step back, breathed, and looked at what may hold in my future. Will I take this pill and get better and let it be? No. Why? Because I already did that – and failed.

This time, I will take the pill. Get better and continue to seek professional help. I will put the Chinese herbal medicine on hold until I’m off my cortisone and return to it. As it is a long process, I will use that time to slowly heal the interior of my body and let it work its course to my skin. Who knows whether it’ll work or not – but at least I had given it a chance. At least I tried, for I have nothing to lose.

I just spent over an hour on facetime with my Aunty M from overseas, simply updating her on what life has been like. I have not spoken to her in a while, despite her having already been updated on everything – I believed she would have liked to see how I was personally. It’s great to know; even from so far away I’m still being sent more strength and support from people who do love me dearly.

Which makes my will to get through this all the more stronger. Yes, it’s really only eczema – other people have it far worse than me. But how do you compare pain? It’s all different in their own unique ways.

Sometimes, it really is only the little things that counts. The little things that simply complete my day.

Thank you Aunty J for my book yesterday, you do not understand how much I love your tiny gesture. I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you Aunty G for the new bed sheets and pyjamas, you really hadn’t needed to go through the trouble and yet you did. Again, I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you Aunty C going out of your way to come with me to see a Chinese Herbalist, and simply telling me sweet words to encourage me to keep fighting. Again, I appreciate it.

Thank you to all my other Aunties and Uncles, for helping me clean my room and simply being there for me.

Thank you to my cousins, for simply being there – you don’t have to do much. Being there, cracking those horribly mean jokes at one another, it’s home.

Thank you to friends, sending texts and concern through all means.

Thank you to my parents, through thick and thin – no matter how busy work is, when there really is no time for anything you have managed to slip in some time just to see that I’m ok.

I just want to say, thank you.

The first step ...

14 May 2012

Mood: Neutral

There was always a fear, but having so many years of luxury of having recovered from my eczema – I did not realise it had existed within me. However, for the past month a lot has crossed my mind.

The thoughts of the past, came flooding in one by one from to seeing a naturopath to seeing multiple Chinese herbalists to seeing a fair few dermatologists and getting allergy tests before being recommended to one  dermatologist that had finally put water to the burning flame within me.

After being on cortisone for three years, my eczema had been held at bay. My weight however had gained sufficiently due to the effects of the medication. I have to this day been off cortisone for about five years.

But through this horrid autumn, it has come back. This unknown fear has surfaced me for the last few days; I do not want it to be back. Little had I expected that having the luxury of having good skin would make me feel like I wished I never had those five years at all, to know what it was like to be good.

Today, I start this blog for myself. This has also been a big regret for the last few days that I had not done this previously, as my memory has failed me. Failed to remember the horrid pain I had felt, only remembering what I had been through. This blog however, is to mark my journey to recovery. Also, to remind me – if life ever throws lemons at me, no lemons could ever sting me as much as this. I can always look back and think, I have had worse and this is nothing.

As it has been about thirteen years since my eczema had first flared up, I believe my mind has matured – my thoughts and views on certain things have also changed. I am more willing to try things in order to see where it can lead. Though, I may still hold a reserve on some things – but I believe I have opened my mind more.

I have begun to see a Chinese herbalist again, and I simply laugh at the memory, which flooded my mind. My uncle and aunt chased me around the house holding a bamboo stick threatening me to drink that horrid black medicine. But sadly, their good will had come to no avail; I had still refused profusely to take that liquid. But now, I look at the black liquid with an open mind, and simply pour it down my throat washing it with water.

Then I’m reminded of the baths I had to take, once even having to wash myself with boiled Chinese herbs. I don’t remember how bad the sting was, all I remember was sitting in the bath tub with tears rolling down my eyes, and shower time was something I had dreaded dearly every day.

It seems that as days pass by, as much as it is to my regret that I forget the pain. I am reminded of events, events in which I am glad that I have the people that were around me. The people who love me dearly and even if I had no strength to carry on myself, they were there to offer me theirs.

They say; a mother’s love is the greatest love of all. I believe that, not only do I believe it, I swear by it. I actually don’t even think saying that one sentence can ever justify how strong it is.  There is nothing that can ever repay the love and attention I have received from both my parents, let alone to repay all the other aunts and uncles in which have helped me along the way.

I know both my parents look and worry, but then I also know a part of them wish this is something that had happened to themselves rather than see me in pain. I beg to differ, if only they know that as their child to see them in pain, I too would wish the same.

However, this is what makes me who I am. This is what has made me who I am.