Stop, step back, and observe ...

16 May 2012

Mood: Content

During the weekend, many battles were occurring such as my body trying to fight the pain, the itch and agony. My insides trying to fight to keep me warm, as I could not stop shivering despite not feeling cold. But the main battle that may have been affecting it all; was the battle of the mind.

Lots of questions, lots of thoughts, and the pros and cons. What to do? What to try? What is right? What will be wrong? And the main one, which leads to all, the one thing we all ask ourselves – WHAT IF …

I had decided on Monday that I will go back to see my dermatologist much to my dislike. I had not wanted to go back, not because it meant defeat against my eczema but more so because I know what would be prescribed.

So, today was the day I took a step back. Back into my past and saw Dr C in hopes to get an opinion on his thoughts. Yes, it is known for eczema to return – as I had researched and found, it never leaves you it just needs to be controlled. Which leads me to another point, later.

Dr C no doubt had prescribed me with cortisone, but with an open mind – I will accept this. At least this will once again hold my skin back at bay and whatever does come – I will fight that when it happens. Be it to be gaining weight again or having the side effects that will happen within my body. I will solve one thing at a time.

Without this relapse of intense pain, I would not have realized that maybe my “good years” was a time I should have actually seeked more professional help. In life, we do need to take a step back, breathe and observe what is ahead of us. Thankfully for this, I took my step back, breathed, and looked at what may hold in my future. Will I take this pill and get better and let it be? No. Why? Because I already did that – and failed.

This time, I will take the pill. Get better and continue to seek professional help. I will put the Chinese herbal medicine on hold until I’m off my cortisone and return to it. As it is a long process, I will use that time to slowly heal the interior of my body and let it work its course to my skin. Who knows whether it’ll work or not – but at least I had given it a chance. At least I tried, for I have nothing to lose.

I just spent over an hour on facetime with my Aunty M from overseas, simply updating her on what life has been like. I have not spoken to her in a while, despite her having already been updated on everything – I believed she would have liked to see how I was personally. It’s great to know; even from so far away I’m still being sent more strength and support from people who do love me dearly.

Which makes my will to get through this all the more stronger. Yes, it’s really only eczema – other people have it far worse than me. But how do you compare pain? It’s all different in their own unique ways.

Sometimes, it really is only the little things that counts. The little things that simply complete my day.

Thank you Aunty J for my book yesterday, you do not understand how much I love your tiny gesture. I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you Aunty G for the new bed sheets and pyjamas, you really hadn’t needed to go through the trouble and yet you did. Again, I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you Aunty C going out of your way to come with me to see a Chinese Herbalist, and simply telling me sweet words to encourage me to keep fighting. Again, I appreciate it.

Thank you to all my other Aunties and Uncles, for helping me clean my room and simply being there for me.

Thank you to my cousins, for simply being there – you don’t have to do much. Being there, cracking those horribly mean jokes at one another, it’s home.

Thank you to friends, sending texts and concern through all means.

Thank you to my parents, through thick and thin – no matter how busy work is, when there really is no time for anything you have managed to slip in some time just to see that I’m ok.

I just want to say, thank you.