Monday, 21 May 2012

Layers ...

20 May 2012
Mood: Unknown

How fast time flies by, it’s been a week since I did not want to face myself in the mirror or even have any part of myself exposed.  The way my skin was made me want to simply crawl into a hole and simply just stay there until the end of time. Even when I think about it now, I don’t know if I wanted to hide from myself or to hide myself so people wont have to see me.

I felt like a monster. It was as if, when people saw me they would turn the other way, I guess I feared that everyone that saw me would just turn away. But I really shouldn’t have even had that ounce of thought in me, to even give myself the moment of doubt in the people who loved me.

There is no way words can really explain what it was like, just that it was flakey – and underneath the dead skin that was waiting to fall off was another waiting. It was like a never-ending process of shedding skin. It felt like there were layers and layers of thick skin around me, to the extent it was like I could not feel anything.

Now, a week later it’s recovering. It may not be shedding as much as it was last week but I can have the sense of touch again. With new skin now, I guess I’m glad that it seems the upcoming week seems to not be too sunny, as I cannot have anything exposed to the sun.

I have taken on the advice from my Doctor to not put any cream on, though it is hard when you step out of the shower or wake up. That horrid feeling of your skin being so tight that it is limiting you from stretching – but this seems to be working slowly. It’s just another process I need to pass and then I’ll be another step closer to having better skin.

The only thing that does get me worried is, what if the dryness does not go away considering winter is coming up and it is when we are all most in need to maintain moisturised.  I guess I’ll ask him the question on Wednesday when I go back in for another check up.

My mind is in a better place this week. I felt like a walking dead corpse last week, simply just waking and getting out of bed because I had to. Then at every opportunity I got, my eyes just had to close in hopes to recharge. My hands holding tight to stop the shakes, even my speciality of talking seemed to be of much effort. It sounds like an exaggeration, but it was seriously as if I had to breathe out my words – the effort and strength it took to simply talk.

This week, I see people and I’m simply feeling much more energised. I feel like myself again.

But at night, I get the sense of frustration, of confusion, of uncertainty. There is a huge pain in my chest, it’s like it tightens and just makes me feel frustrated. I don’t know how to properly explain it, and I don’t know what I’m so frustrated about. The tugging feeling in the chest comes and goes, but my mind and body may have simply been in no state of thought. I’m just confused why I can be frustrated when I have nothing that is even bothering me.

Then I’ll get little twitching feelings, as if there are little ants biting me from within. That I’m guessing is usually because my skin is dry and it’s just waiting for me to add cream to loosen up the tight feeling.

My layers are shedding, another past leaving me piece by piece. Layer by layer.
A past in which I will not forget, but glad it’s gone. A new part of me being created as each day passes me by.

Learning new things about myself every day, I am excited.

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