20 May 2012
Mood: Unknown
How fast time flies
by, it’s been a week since I did not want to face myself in the mirror or even
have any part of myself exposed.
The way my skin was made me want to simply crawl into a hole and simply
just stay there until the end of time. Even when I think about it now, I don’t
know if I wanted to hide from myself or to hide myself so people wont have to
see me.
I felt like a monster.
It was as if, when people saw me they would turn the other way, I guess I
feared that everyone that saw me would just turn away. But I really shouldn’t
have even had that ounce of thought in me, to even give myself the moment of
doubt in the people who loved me.
There is no way words
can really explain what it was like, just that it was flakey – and underneath
the dead skin that was waiting to fall off was another waiting. It was like a
never-ending process of shedding skin. It felt like there were layers and
layers of thick skin around me, to the extent it was like I could not feel
anything.
Now, a week later it’s
recovering. It may not be shedding as much as it was last week but I can have
the sense of touch again. With new skin now, I guess I’m glad that it seems the
upcoming week seems to not be too sunny, as I cannot have anything exposed to
the sun.
I have taken on the
advice from my Doctor to not put any cream on, though it is hard when you step
out of the shower or wake up. That horrid feeling of your skin being so tight
that it is limiting you from stretching – but this seems to be working slowly.
It’s just another process I need to pass and then I’ll be another step closer
to having better skin.
The only thing that
does get me worried is, what if the dryness does not go away considering winter
is coming up and it is when we are all most in need to maintain
moisturised. I guess I’ll ask him
the question on Wednesday when I go back in for another check up.
My mind is in a better
place this week. I felt like a walking dead corpse last week, simply just
waking and getting out of bed because I had to. Then at every opportunity I
got, my eyes just had to close in hopes to recharge. My hands holding tight to
stop the shakes, even my speciality of talking seemed to be of much effort. It
sounds like an exaggeration, but it was seriously as if I had to breathe out my
words – the effort and strength it took to simply talk.
This week, I see
people and I’m simply feeling much more energised. I feel like myself again.
But at night, I get
the sense of frustration, of confusion, of uncertainty. There is a huge pain in
my chest, it’s like it tightens and just makes me feel frustrated. I don’t know
how to properly explain it, and I don’t know what I’m so frustrated about. The
tugging feeling in the chest comes and goes, but my mind and body may have simply
been in no state of thought. I’m just confused why I can be frustrated when I
have nothing that is even bothering me.
Then I’ll get little
twitching feelings, as if there are little ants biting me from within. That I’m
guessing is usually because my skin is dry and it’s just waiting for me to add
cream to loosen up the tight feeling.
My layers are
shedding, another past leaving me piece by piece. Layer by layer.
A past in which I will
not forget, but glad it’s gone. A new part of me being created as each day
passes me by.
Learning new things
about myself every day, I am excited.
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